Death in Both Eyes
by The Peanut Butter General
Summary: Max has to save Asha, but things get crazy. 2 views, one through Max's eyes, one through Logan's.
1. Default Chapter

Date: 11/6/2001   
Title: Death Through Both Eyes   
Author: The Peanut Butter General  
Genres: Vignette   
Rating: PG   
Spoilers: Radar Love   
Summary: Max has to save Asha, but things get crazy. 2 views, one through Max's eyes, one through Logan's. **My apologies, I was having a bad day and needed to get out the frustration. And what better way to do it, than with a kick-butt gal riding the reins.   
  
DISCLAIMER: All characters who appear in this story belong to their respective creators, including Cameron/Eglee Productions and 20th Century Studios. No money is being made from the use of these characters.   
  
MAX   
  
The man had held a gun to the back of my head and asked simply "How lucky do you really feel today?" I had no response and even if I did, I wasn't lowering myself to his level to respond. I shouldn't have even been involved. These damn S1W people were ruining my life in more ways than one. I was just at home minding my own business when Logan had called in a panic because little miss Asha had gone to get something for him and hadn't come home yet. Did I really sound like I cared? So, I put on my best team player act and replied with a sharp "So?" It was like a slap in the face when Logan told me he wanted me to go get here. Hadn't I saved her ass before, why did I have to do it again? I don't think she'd do the same for me. But sucker that I am, I took the address where Asha was supposed to be going and I set out. And yea, when I arrived, things were pretty dire. I could see Asha; her pretty little face swollen and blue, sitting in a corner tied to a chair. And of course, some bad guys everywhere. But I just wasn't in the mood for this crap today. I climbed to the roof and nonchalantly dropped in. The so-called bad guys had more than just Asha captive, funny how Logan failed to mention that. But I did my best; in fact, I did my job. I knocked half of the men out cold and injured most of the others. So now, it was just me, the guy with the gun and the guy I was holding a gun too. Damn it, I've always hated guns. Then the smart ass comment "I wouldn't shoot him little missy, all you S1W think you're so tough, but you won't ever forget the face of the first person you kill." This dumb SOB was just too smug for me. So, out of moodiness and maybe misery, I shot the guy in the head and gave a swift roundhouse kick to the guy holding me at gunpoint. "I don't have time for this." I yelled as loud as possible. "I can't believe how stupid some people are." As I spoke, I untied one of the S1W and told him to take care of the others. Then I walked back to the man. "What was it you said to me "I'll always remember the first person I killed?" I do. I remember him quite well." I walked around the guy as I spoke and made sure he wasn't going anywhere. "I was seven. That's right I said seven. I don't know the guy's name or age. We were never introduced. But he was at least two feet taller than me and big." I walked around the guy some more. The S1W were all staring at me as well. "Get out here." I yelled to the S1W, and then had to punch down my "prisoner" as he tried to go too. "Just all of you, leave us alone. I think that we need to have a killer to killer conference." I looked at the fear in the man's eyes and felt a surge of power. Like little rats running from water, the S1W helped Asha to her feet and left. Just me and the man now. "Like I said. I was seven. And I felt such a rush when I killed that man. Is killing you going to feel that good?" The man began to get teary eyed and batted the little drops away as they fell. "What's the matter." I said. "It's doesn't bother you to kill other people, but you're afraid to die. Don't you know that with each new target, you're life becomes at risk." The man just stared at me, his eyes wide. "Cat got your tongue?" I said, then laughed. Actually, the cat had the whole man. He didn't get the joke. We sat there, eye to eye for about an hour. Each second ticked a moment from this man's life. I heard the door open and turned ever so slightly, never letting my "prisoner" out of sight. It was Logan. "Max." He had said. "What are you doing?" I just cocked my head sideways. "Saving your friend Asha, didn't she come home?" He looked passed me at the man in my possession. I didn't even blink. I pulled the trigger and the guy slumped to the floor. Well it was more like a squish actually. Logan's eyes went as wide as the man's once had. "What?" I spat. "Forget that I was a killing machine?" I stood upright and walked passed him and out the door. The street seemed so quiet as I jumped on my bike and went home.   
  
* * *   
  
LOGAN   
  
I had called Max because Asha was in trouble. She and some other S1W had been captured while collecting information for me. Max seemed a little put off by the whole thing but she agreed to go. So, I just sat and waited. Then Asha calls in a tizzy because Max killed some people and was holding one captive. That didn't sound like Max, but I took the bait. I pulled the leg braces on and went down to the warehouse. Sure enough, there was Max sitting on a desk holding a gun to somebody's head. I couldn't believe it. "Max." I said. "What are you doing?" She looked at me like I was crazy. "Saving your friend Asha, didn't she come home?" She said. I nodded and looked to the guy. Without so much as a warning, she pulled the trigger. I watched the guy die. I couldn't speak; I just stared at her. "What?" She snapped at me. "Forget that I was a killing machine?" I tried to speak, but she just sauntered out of the warehouse and left. I haven't heard from her since. 


	2. Chapter 2

The weeks that follow  
  
Authors Note: Several lines from Pollo Loco are included in this story, these are not my words.   
No infringement is intended.  
  
MAX  
  
"What's the matter, lover boy kick the bucket?" Alec said as I sat at the table playing with a glass of beer. I tried not to think of that horrible day two weeks ago. I enjoyed killing both men. Me, who has always despised guns, and I enjoyed using it. What did they do to me back at Manticore? "I should be so lucky." I said sharply, not really wanting to talk. "Trouble in paradise?" Alec questions. "No." I snap. He looks at me and rudely says, "I just thought you might need a friend, but I guess you can handle yourself. Right?" I just looked at him and glared. "Yea." I say. "I don't need you, I can handle myself." He scoffs and walks away. I go back to playing with my beer. I tried not to think about it. A fire burned through me when I pulled the trigger the first time. And I thrived on it. The feeling lit me up like nothing ever had before. But then Logan showed up. I was feeling so good and so powerful. But he showed up to remind me that I wasn't a cold-blooded killer. And what did I do? I shot another man in the head. That hadn't been the plan. I just wanted to scare the guy into telling me who or what he was working for. But the fire, the thrill inside, I couldn't stand it. I had to see how killing him would make me feel. So I did. I just pulled the trigger and the man died. It's not like he wasn't a bad guy. Why should I cry over a bad guy? But that's not really what's bothering me. No. It's the fact that I'm turning into a monster. I finish my beer and leave, can't stay there anymore. I'm going now, where I don't know. I left the confines of Seattle an hour ago and I've just been riding as fast as I can. The wind in my hair makes me feel free. I'm free to be me, whoever that may be. Damn! My pager again. I slow and check the number. "Logan" I say out loud, although I am alone. This is the fifth time today. I haven't spoken to him since the incident. I turn the bike around and race back to Seattle, not that I have any intention of calling him. The ride back wasn't as enjoyable as the ride out of Seattle, but I'm home now. Cindy's on the phone with a new girlfriend. So at least I have an excuse to not call Logan. I'm sitting at the window, staring into the darkness of the city. Another power outage. My arms and hands are tingling. Not a violent seizure kind of tingle, it's like they want me to go do something. I stand, waive to Cindy and leave again. It's like my body knows where I'm going before my head does. Now, I'm sitting outside of Logan's place. That's it, enough of this. I'm going in. I take the ordinary route and use the elevator. I even knock before barging in. Man, he looks good tonight. "You paged." I say. He stands to greet me. "Hey." He says, "I've been paging. Where you been?" I ponder a response before answering. "Around." I say, not really answering the question. "I see." He replies. We don't speak for a few minutes. "So." I say to break the silence. "You paged?" I take a deep breath and hope that he doesn't ask me about the incident. He puts on an awkward smile and says, "I just wanted to talk." The fire inside me is burning again; my hands start to tremble. "Are you okay?" He asks concerned. "Fine." I say midst a deep breath. "But I can't stay." He reaches out to me. "Don't touch me!" I yell. "Max." He says softly, "Whatever's wrong, I can help." I do believe him. "Nothing's wrong." I say. "Just leave me alone." I can't except his help. I storm out of his apartment. "Max." He calls after me. "Wait." I stop. "Max." He says softly. "Please come back inside." Like a lost puppy, I follow. I maintain my distance, as does he. "What?" I ask annoyed. He stares at me. "Are you sure you are okay?" He sits down. "You don't want to talk about it?" I look at him for a minute, knowing exactly what he means. "Talk about what?" I ask innocently. He looks at me like I'm being cruel. "Max." His voice deepens, as it becomes serious. "You took two lives." I smile, I don't mean to, but I smile none the less. "I know." I say. He looks at me and slowly says, "And you're okay with that?" I sigh and sit down across from him. "Logan, I was trained to kill. It wasn't the first person I killed and it probably wasn't the last. I'd rather not dwell on some creepy guy." His eyes close, as I finish talking, he looks upset. I say, "Did you forget that I wasn't like normal girls?" He just stares for a minute before saying, "No. I remembered. I just never thought I'd see the day where we were having this conversation." I feel my eyes welling up with tears and I try to fight them back. "Well." I say. "It's what I am and what I do. Deal or don't, It's your choice." He hisses, "So that's it? Deal with the fact that you're a killer or don't deal with it?" I wrinkle my nose; he is too sexy when he's mad about something. "Logan." I say, "I love you. But you've got to get clued in here. I'm not the perfect girl next door. Heck, I'm not even the imperfect girl next door. Either you deal with the fact that I am a genetically enhanced killing machine, or it ends now." I'm fighting back the tears now; I just gave an ultimatum to the man I love. He asks, "What ends now? Our friendship? Any chance of a relationship? What?" Tears start falling now, "All of it." I say nastily. "The virus makes sure that we can't be anything more than friends. And I don't need a friend who is going to judge me based on the notion that I should be something I'm not. You can't compare me to you. I'm not perfect." He sighs and says, "I know you're not perfect. You have all the possibilities inside you to change the world." I laugh. "Now wouldn't that be funny. If I changed the world." He sneers and barks, "Get out. Out of my home, out of my life. I don't want to see you again." The tingles again and my hand reaches out to touch him. I think to myself, one little kiss and it's all over, but I stop myself when I see the fear in his eyes. I leave.  
  
LOGAN  
  
I close my eyes again, but I can't sleep. The image of the dead bodies is burned in my mind. I get out of bed and walk to the computer. As long as I'm up, I think to myself. I sit in my chair and type on the keyboard, but I'm not really working. I take my glasses off and rub my eyes. Like a hot flash, the words echo in my ears, "They were designed to kill. Coldly...efficiently... and happily. You think because she's so pretty that she isn't as dangerous? They're all killers. All they need is a trigger. You may think you have some kind of relationship between the two of you, but let me tell you something, son. She's not the girl next door. You have no idea what she's capable of doing." It was Lydecker's voice replaying the same words over and over again. I rub my eyes again and fight the words out of my head. But more words pop into my mind "It's all about her...isn't it? You're in love with her." Lydecker again. Damn him! I knew, I know, she is not like other girls, but she is not that different. And she is not a cold-blooded killer. But I can't deny what I saw. I pick up the phone and page her again. I keep working; the phone doesn't ring. I can't stand this. A knock at the door, I look up. Max just walked in. "You paged." She says as I stand up. "Hey. I've been paging. Where you been?" As soon as I say it, I wish I hadn't. "Around." She replies coldly. "I see." I mutter, trying to think of something else to say. Neither of us speak, the silence is killing me. What I wouldn't give to be able to hold her, to kiss her, to show her how I feel. "So." She says and then pauses before adding; "You paged?" I smile as best as I can at the moment and say; "I just wanted to talk. Are you okay?" I blurt out. "Fine." She says taking a deep breath. "But I can't stay." I know I shouldn't, but I reach out for her anyway. "Don't touch me!" She screeches, as I pull my hand away quickly. "Max." I say, "Whatever's wrong, I can help." She stares at the wall, "Nothing's wrong." She mumbles, but I know better. "Just leave me alone." She snaps and storms out. "Max." I call, desperate to help her. "Wait." Good, she stopped. "Max." I say gently, lovingly. "Please come back inside." She follows me in and walks to the opposite side of the room. "What?" She snaps, like I'm bothering her. I just stare, how can the woman I love be so cold to me. "Are you sure you are okay?" I ask, as I sit on the couch and think, please trust me, please talk to me. "You don't want to talk about it?" I ask. She just stares at me and asks innocently, "Talk about what?" How can she be so cruel? I silently wonder. "Max." I say as serious as possible, "You took two lives." She smiles. I can't believe I'm talking about death and she's smiling! "I know." She says. I take a deep breath and say "And you're okay with that?" She sits. Good sitting is good, I think to myself. She says, "Logan, I was trained to kill. It wasn't the first person I killed and it probably wasn't the last. I'd rather not dwell on some creepy guy." I close my eyes, hoping this is a dream. She adds, "Did you forget that I wasn't like normal girls?" I inhale slowly, "No. I remembered. I just never thought I'd see the day where we were having this conversation." Her eyes are becoming wet and teary. "Well." She says. "It's what I am and what I do. Deal or don't, It's your choice." I try to contain my surprise, and it turns to anger. "So that's it?" I hiss. "Deal with the fact that you're a killer or don't deal with it?" She wrinkles her nose at me. "Logan." She softly says, "I love you." Then her voice changes to harshness, "But you've got to get clued in here. I'm not the perfect girl next door. Heck, I'm not even the imperfect girl next door. Either you deal with the fact that I am a genetically enhanced killing machine, or it ends now." It's almost like she's reading my mind. Lydecker's words try to fight their way back in. "What ends now?" I ask roughly. "Our friendship? Any chance of a relationship? What?" She begins to cry; I'd take it all back if I could. "All of it." She spits, then adds, "The virus makes sure that we can't be anything more than friends. And I don't need a friend who is going to judge me based on the notion that I should be something I'm not. You can't compare me to you. I'm not perfect." I sigh; the one person I love feels I am pushing her away. I try to think of something profound, but my mouth runs off without my brain. "I know you're not perfect." I hear myself say. "You have all the possibilities inside you to change the world." She begins to laugh and says, "Now wouldn't that be funny. If I changed the world." I can't contain myself; I start yelling at her, "Get out. Out of my home, out of my life. I don't want to see you again." I'm so close to her now, I can smell her, that sweet smell. She reaches her hand out to my cheek, I don't flinch. I can feel the fear growing inside of me. Is she about to take my life too? I wonder. She quickly withdraws her arm and leaves. I breathe. Tears begin falling from my eyes. "Max." I say silently. "Max!" I yell. "Max! I love you. I'm..." She's gone. "Sorry." I say quietly to myself. "I'm so sorry." How can I love her so much and yet be afraid of her, of what she's becoming. I pick up the phone and page her. 


	3. Chapter 3

The Reunion  
  
  
MAX  
  
I've been sitting outside Logan's place on and off for days now. I still don't have the courage to go up there. He's paged, boy has he paged. But, I just can't bring myself to talk to him. I'm terrified. I don't know if this is a glitch in my system or something else entirely. But Ben's starting to make sense, he told me his killings... well, he told me he was doing what we were made to do. It didn't make sense then, but it's starting to make sense now. He had told me to remember that day, that horrible day; we tracked and killed that man. We savored that kill; it was euphoria. And that's just what this last kill was. It was an intense pleasure. Something I hadn't felt in a long time. Something I needed. I hate to say it, even to myself, but it was better than sex. I wonder now, I wondered before, could I have been the nomaly? I was never like the others. I never enjoyed the battles, the killing, the guns, the war. I wasn't like them. Even after the escape, I was so eager to forget Manticore, to forget orders and training. But, I guess it didn't work out that way. So, all I have now are my memories, the memories of two dead brothers and a dead sister, the memories of my childhood, the memories of my family. And now this relentless feeling that I want to fight, want to kill, want to destroy. Fight it, I tell myself and climb to Logan's apartment. "Miss me?" I say, as I drop in on him. He looks tired, and a little nervous, "Yes." He whispers, "I do miss you. I miss everything about you, our dinners, our conversations, our time together. I miss it all." My heart just breaks, "Me too." I say sadly. "I'm sorry." We both say at once, I let out a little laugh. "Max." He says, "I didn't mean to..." I nod my head and say, "I know. I didn't, well, I didn't mean to upset you." He attempts to smile, "I never wanted to push you away." He says. I start to cry, "I'm so sorry." I say, wanting nothing more than to dive into his arms, "But the kill, the man. Logan, you can't understand." I stop; my voice turns to disgust; "I enjoyed it." I start crying harder, and slump on to the floor. "Max." He says, looking at me, "I understand. It makes sense. It's part of who you are and I shouldn't have tried to get you to deny that. I should have been here as your friend. I should have listened and I should have tried to help. Instead... instead I listened to all those things Lydecker had said about you." He came closer now, so close I could smell his aftershave lotion. "Logan." I whispered. "I just don't know how to deal." I yearned to touch him, to have him hold me, comfort me. "I need, I don't know what I need." He placed his hand on the back of my jacket and said, "Max. I'm here for you. Whatever you need, I'm here for you. And we'll get through this." He paused and smiled at me. "Together." He added as he rubbed my back. I shook my head, "No." I said. "I don't want you to look at me this way. I don't want you to ever look at me as a killing machine." He sat on the floor next to me. "Max, you'll never be anything to me other than the woman I love. We're going to beat whatever's happening to you. We're going to make it." I cried harder now, eager to wrap my arms around him and kiss him. "It won't ever be the same." I said, "You've seen a side of me that until now I've kept concealed. A cryptic side, a side that reminds me of... well... of Ben." He sighed, "No." He said. "Nothing you do will ever change the way I feel about you. I love you."  
  
  
LOGAN  
  
I've paged and I've paged, but still nothing. I've tried calling Cindy to get a message to her, hell I even tracked Alec down to get a message to her. But what am I supposed to say "Hey it's me sorry you killed a guy let's jest forget it." Not going to work. I lift the phone to page her again, but lower it as I hear a noise. She's there, standing behind me. She is so beautiful, so full of life, so much more than this frail body can handle. "Miss me?" She says. She looks upset, if I didn't know better, I'd say she looked tired. "Yes." I barely whisper, "I do miss you. I miss everything about you, our dinners, our conversations, our time together. I miss it all." He stifle a sob, I'm not going to cry. "Me too." She says softly. "I'm sorry." We both say at once, She nervously laughs. "Max." I start; "I didn't mean to..." She nods and cuts me off, "I know. I didn't, well, I didn't mean to upset you." I grin, "I never wanted to push you away." I say, as she begins to cry. "I'm so sorry." She sobs, "But the kill, the man. Logan, you can't understand. I enjoyed it." She sneers, obviously upset and falls to the floor. "Max." I say, moving closer to her, "I understand. It makes sense. It's part of who you are and I shouldn't have tried to get you to deny that. I should have been here as your friend. I should have listened and I should have tried to help. Instead... instead I listened to all those things Lydecker had said about you." I moved closer now, so close that I could feel her body heat. I was afraid, afraid of dying by her touch, but not afraid of her. "Logan." She whimpered. "I just don't know how to deal. I need, I don't know what I need." I placed my hand on the back of her coat and caressed the closest thing to her skin. I said, "Max. I'm here for you. Whatever you need, I'm here for you. And we'll get through this." I stop and contemplate my next word, "Together." I add and smile as I rub her back. "No." She barks. "I don't want you to look at me this way. I don't want you to ever look at me as a killing machine." I climb down on the floor next to her, wishing this once that I could hold her hands, all those times that I fought my feelings for her, I'd give anything just to be able to hold her near me. "Max," I say, "You'll never be anything to me other than the woman I love. We're going to beat whatever's happening to you. We're going to make it." Tears flowed down her face; I would wipe all the pain away if I had the power. "It won't ever be the same." She said, "You've seen a side of me that until now I've kept concealed. A cryptic side, a side that reminds me of... well... of Ben." I sighed, she's not Ben. "No." I said. "Nothing you do will ever change the way I feel about you. I love you." 


End file.
